Becoming an Embodied Gentleman
What does it mean to be a Gentleman in these modern times, with consent, boundaries, and #metoo being such hot topics?
I started thinking about this last year, after a conversation with my Mom. I was telling her about some challenges I’d been dealing with and she responded, “I just wish you’d be more gentle. Can’t you be more gentle with yourself and others?”
I realized that she was right, that many of the situations I was having difficulty with would have gone more smoothly had I been more gentle. This got me thinking… what is it to be a true gentleman? Here’s what I came to.
What if the truest definition of a gentleman is a man who is gentle with everyone he encounters, with full strength backing up that gentleness?
He honors each person’s dignity, treats them with kindness and respect, and leaves them feeling seen, heard, and acknowledged. To achieve this, he must be intuitively, empathically attuned with others to such a degree that he knows how to be gentle with all different kinds of people.
This requires that he be consciously aware and connected with his own body, heart, and emotions. This devoted connection with self is the golden thread, making it possible to understand and attune with others.
Being gentle does not mean being weak or flaccid, or letting people walk all over him. It requires a strong character, healthy boundaries, and an unshakable sense of self-worth. Only with a clear, consistent knowing of his innate sovereignty can he truly align with others.
Sometimes in life, other people’s actions cause us pain and suffering, just as our actions do to others. This is just a part of being human, as we all carry wounds and traumas that get triggered, resulting in hurtful actions at times.
A gentleman defends his honor without causing additional or excessive harm to those who have wronged him. He understands and obeys the principle of ahimsa, which means non-harming, and seeks to only act in beneficial ways to others.
If force is required to prevent someone else from causing harm, he exhibits as much gentleness with that force as possible, without causing undue damage to the other, as an embodiment of the compassion he holds for all beings.
Essentially, a gentleman is a man with a strongly developed masculine essence, who is also heart-centered and attuned with his body. In our current reality, most men are disconnected from their hearts and bodies to varying degrees — far more so than women.
In the past few years, I’ve been through a deep and extensive healing process which has shown me how disconnected I’ve been from my body. I had been living from the neck up, swimming in the infinite pools of the mind. This set the scene for moments of significant hurt to occur between myself and others. I have hurt others, and in doing so, I have hurt myself.
Thru an extensive and continuing healing process I’ve discovered and acknowledged the depth of traumatic wounding I carry from my childhood. This awareness has allowed me to take responsibility for my wounds, and consciously work to heal them.
I now understand that every one of us is traumatized to some degree, out of touch with our bodies. Our bodies are our homes while we’re in this incarnation, but we’re all homeless — living in our minds trying to figure it all out, just so we can relax and feel OK.
Especially men. We’ve been taught to be tough, to not be sensitive, to not express emotion or tears, since the beginning of time; ever since we began talking, and created the concept of time, and began ascending the ladder of language into intellect, with all of the powerful rewards that yielded. Unfortunately, we left our bodies behind in the process.
Generation after generation we’ve been wounded and shamed out of our bodies, out of our intuition, out of our sensitivity, and out of our vulnerability. The idea of being anything remotely “feminine” is anathema to most men, triggering memories of being shamed in childhood, or of witnessing others being teased and bullied for their “unmanly” qualities.
We spend far too much time attending to our plans, dreams, duties, worries, fears and all of the other items that flow through our minds, and far too little time spent listening to and inhabiting our bodies. This is the root cause of the anxiety, depression, and addictions we suffer. Reclaiming our embodied sovereignty can ease these painful experiences, and invite us into an entirely new way of being.
I believe this is what the #metoo movement is calling for — for men to honestly address our wounding and come back into our bodies, so that we can understand the harms we’re causing through our unconscious actions. We’re being called to action, called to feel and compassionately understand the actual impact of the violations that we inflict upon women (and the feminine in us all)
I didn’t understand that the “little” mistakes and violations I was occasionally making with women — the casual chauvinist microtraumas men inflict — were in some cases much more than separate incidents for them, but one more shovel full of shit on the pile they were already carrying, from all the violations they’d experienced in their lives.
One more reason to distrust men and feel unsafe in the world.
One more bar in the patriarchal cage of oppression, suppression and repression that has controlled and dominated women, and the feminine in all of us, since the beginning of time.
By becoming aware of the profoundly damaging effects of our violations, the door opens for us to move toward deeper integrity with self and other. With consciousness and presence, we are able to stop harming, and begin honoring.
Our true essence, our spirit, or soul, or whatever name you want to put on it, is not male or female, masculine or feminine. Each and every one of us is a pure spark of conscious awareness that’s been born into a particular body with a particular biology which, up until the past 50–70 years, has largely determined its destiny.
We all have “masculine” and “feminine” qualities. For over a half-century women have been exploring their masculine side, and I believe at this point they are more whole, integrated, and complete beings than most men, who for the most part have yet to allow themselves open access to the feminine side of their nature.
In order to become fully embodied, empowered beings, we must acknowledge and heal our personal and collective traumas, and actively begin to feel into and reinhabit our physicality. These magnificent bodies are our instruments through which we perceive reality, and the more completely we are present and aware within them, the more deeply attuned and powerfully compassionate is our connection with others.
This is the true measure of a gentleman — how he leaves other people feeling, his capacity for empathy, appreciation, and graciousness.
I can only say this now after years of healing from my own childhood wounds. I’ve made many mistakes, and thru understanding the impact they’ve had on others, I’ve gradually learned how to be a better Hueman (sic.)
A true gentleman stands for all Huemanity — all the hues, shapes, sizes, and genders of us, and fights for the rights of the disadvantaged. He knows we are an interconnected whole, and that his liberation is intimately connected with all others’. He’s committed to all beings being free.
Bodhisattva is the highest form of gentlemanliness.
Men, as a whole, must learn to become gentle, so that women can feel safe. I’ve done some very insensitive things in my life, and my unconscious actions have at times caused pain and suffering to others, and myself. These dark experiences forced me to go inward, become aware of my impacts, reconnect with my body, and become a new man. I now live a life of gratitude, groundedness, and joy. I feel deeply connected with the world, and everyone in it.
I’m certainly not perfect, but I’m perfectly committed to the process of becoming a fully embodied gentleman. I am now at home in my body, with an open heart, and a grounded spirit. I feel consistent joy, and I am finally free from my mind’s frantic fantasies.
I’ll be writing more about my ungentlemanly behaviors and the lessons I’ve learned from them. Hopefully these can help other men guide their behaviors in a more mutually respectful, empathic, and loving direction
All it takes is devotion, and practice. I’ve discovered some simple yet profoundly powerful practices which grant me the gift of staying present in my body. I hope you’ll be willing to try them, and see how they work for you.
So men, does this definition inspire you towards becoming a more Embodied Gentleman?
Let’s all aspire to this, guys, and create a safer world for women, for our mothers, daughters, sisters, and partners, and for our own “feminine” — for our tender, sensitive, intuitive essence to be cherished, loved and liberated. May we return to our physicality, our completeness, our sovereignty.
Lemme tell y’all — it feels SO FUCKING GOOD to be as present in my body as I am today. I have ready, constant access to openhearted joy. I’d love to help you discover your true power and potential in this arena.
The path is simple — come walk with me, and feel for yourself. If you’d like to take this journey, come join my FB page — https://www.facebook.com/onerishijones
